I had a good life once. Now, I don't know what I have. When things started going bad it didn't seem like a big deal at the time. You know, just another day in the life kind of thing. Hell, I was mature enough to know that you can't expect roses and unicorn shitting skittles all the time. You roll with the problem, come up with a solution, and everything works out. Except sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it just get worser and worser until you want to cry which is wrong because men don't cry. I never did. At least so people could see. I think.
I decided to write this because, well, I think, hell, I know, I am losing it. It is not a happy maker feeling. So I am writing this in hopes it finds its way to my daughter so she will know my side of the story and maybe not hate me anymore. Of all the pain I have felt since everything fell apart hearing her say "I hate you!" was the absolute worse. I thought we would have time to talk, you know, work it out, after her outburst and the tears. We never did. If you come away with anything from reading this then know this: You never have time for do overs. It's now or never baby and the river stops for no one.
It all starts somewhere. I try to focus on THE DAY when it all went wrong. I can't make up my mind. Sometimes I think I figured it out and I am happy. The next day I can't remember or I think "How could I be so stupid! That wasn't THE DAY! You wouldn't believe how many times I have started this story and then tore the sheets of paper out of my notebook and smashed them on the floor. I got thrown out of Starbucks the last time. The lady was nice about it but she was serious about me having to go. I knew this because everyone was looking at me with "Go!" in their eyes. That didn't bother me as much as the little girl who had "FEAR" in hers. That made me sad and ashamed. I am working on not making bad noises now and I think I am doing good. You would be proud of your dad.
So I decided to start when I was still someone and me and your Mom were together. Oh, I think you were five when we made the first mistake. We decided to buy a house. We already had a house. A nice house. You liked it. I liked it. Your Mom? Not so much. It was small. The school district was not the best. We had been looking for awhile and prices had kept going up and up. Your Mom's best friend, Shasta, was a real estate agent then. and she convinced your Mom that it was "buy now or be priced out forever!" To be fair it wasn't hard to convince me that she was right. It certainly seemed that way at the time.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
American Apocalypse
Thank you for all your comments.
Right now this is what I see happening as far as the series goes:
AA V - They get to the promised land. I will wrap up the loose ends to date and probably add some. The problem is, at least in my life, is some loose ends never get tied up. Shit just happens. Also it is too much to expect that a group like this would see more than a leg or two of the elephant. Should something like this ever happen I think that is going to be very true. Especially with the Internet down, and if it is working, like we have seen in Egypt, severely crippled. It's going to be word of mouth and whatever passes the ruling party censors.
In AA IV I was going to write the start of the next leg down. I don't think there will be a quick descent to a state of total savagery. There will be a bottom at a level of technology that will provide the support for a new civilization. I have not figured out what that level will be, I am still thinking 1880's. That period, if you were born then, went from horses and trains to cars, rockets, and TV in your lifetime.
Then I hope to write more Gardener books. Right now I am thinking once he gets to the promised land and the Horde settles in he gets bored and goes off to rid the area around it off bad people. This just struck me -- perhaps as Freya's Marshall.
AA VI - will be the final, or as final as life gets, battles.
As far as characters go I consider some of them the core to the story. If I kill them off then there is no more story.
Thank you for reading and for all your comments.
P.S. If you have read anything of mine can you leave a review on Amazon or Barnes and Noble? Barnes and Noble being the best place.
Right now this is what I see happening as far as the series goes:
AA V - They get to the promised land. I will wrap up the loose ends to date and probably add some. The problem is, at least in my life, is some loose ends never get tied up. Shit just happens. Also it is too much to expect that a group like this would see more than a leg or two of the elephant. Should something like this ever happen I think that is going to be very true. Especially with the Internet down, and if it is working, like we have seen in Egypt, severely crippled. It's going to be word of mouth and whatever passes the ruling party censors.
In AA IV I was going to write the start of the next leg down. I don't think there will be a quick descent to a state of total savagery. There will be a bottom at a level of technology that will provide the support for a new civilization. I have not figured out what that level will be, I am still thinking 1880's. That period, if you were born then, went from horses and trains to cars, rockets, and TV in your lifetime.
Then I hope to write more Gardener books. Right now I am thinking once he gets to the promised land and the Horde settles in he gets bored and goes off to rid the area around it off bad people. This just struck me -- perhaps as Freya's Marshall.
AA VI - will be the final, or as final as life gets, battles.
As far as characters go I consider some of them the core to the story. If I kill them off then there is no more story.
Thank you for reading and for all your comments.
P.S. If you have read anything of mine can you leave a review on Amazon or Barnes and Noble? Barnes and Noble being the best place.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
American Apocalypse IV - Done
Thank you for reading and for your comments.
I am going to start on another book almost immediately. This one is going to be a bit different as it will have minimal violence -- I think. You might want to skip reading it as I am not sure if it is going to work out. I still plan on going back and working on "The Mover" and "Chosen." This one will probably have elements of both in them as there is a story I want to tell in there along with "The Lion."
Writing these books, especially when it works, is easy because it comes as fast as I can type. Where it comes from and what direction it is going to take is totally unknown to my conscious brain. I hope some of you will stick around and read it.
I am thinking of dropping the AA IV from the title and instead making it a Gardener book. What do you think?
Thanks!
Steve/nova
I am going to start on another book almost immediately. This one is going to be a bit different as it will have minimal violence -- I think. You might want to skip reading it as I am not sure if it is going to work out. I still plan on going back and working on "The Mover" and "Chosen." This one will probably have elements of both in them as there is a story I want to tell in there along with "The Lion."
Writing these books, especially when it works, is easy because it comes as fast as I can type. Where it comes from and what direction it is going to take is totally unknown to my conscious brain. I hope some of you will stick around and read it.
I am thinking of dropping the AA IV from the title and instead making it a Gardener book. What do you think?
Thanks!
Steve/nova
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
American Apocalypse IV - Chapter 18d - by Nova
I found Night. I had to practice patience and I even bantered with people along the way and put up with their stupid knowing grins. She was where my company was bivouacked which meant I had more hands to shake and backs to slap. It was nice to see some of them. I was surprised how nice. Chief, the head of the Motor Pool was there too and I talked to him. Mostly because he was standing with Night and they were laughing about something to do with Ninja.
"Hey Chief!"
He had his back to me so he didn't see me come up on him. When he turned around his grin was genuine and his hand went out and I shook it without hesitation. It was funny but not a lot of people shook hands anymore. The distance between people in conversations had increased too. Letting someone get close was not such a good idea anymore and I think even if it hadn't changed there would be a significant group of people who would never let anyone get to close again. If you really trusted someone you would do a bro hug. There were only two people alive that I would let get that close; Max and Ninja.
"Well god damn if it isn't the returning hero!" He looked me up and down and added "Now don't you look all sharp, shiny, and deadly."
"Yeah." I returned the up and down and said "You got a truck for me?"
He laughed "Hell no. Every time I give you a vehicle you disappear with it and I never see it again. Might be able to find you a bike."
Thanks Chief."
"Your brother was by and convinced me to set up a tent." He pointed at one that was set off from the others "I'll be going now." He winked and left me with Night.
"Hey."
She looked up at me "Yeah?"
"Come here."
She started moving towards me smiling and I grabbed her and threw her over my shoulder and headed for the tent. She was laughing and beating on me and in the background I could hear more laughter and cheers. I dropped her gently inside the tent and by the time I had the door zipped up she was almost out of her armor. Life was good again.
"Hey Chief!"
He had his back to me so he didn't see me come up on him. When he turned around his grin was genuine and his hand went out and I shook it without hesitation. It was funny but not a lot of people shook hands anymore. The distance between people in conversations had increased too. Letting someone get close was not such a good idea anymore and I think even if it hadn't changed there would be a significant group of people who would never let anyone get to close again. If you really trusted someone you would do a bro hug. There were only two people alive that I would let get that close; Max and Ninja.
"Well god damn if it isn't the returning hero!" He looked me up and down and added "Now don't you look all sharp, shiny, and deadly."
"Yeah." I returned the up and down and said "You got a truck for me?"
He laughed "Hell no. Every time I give you a vehicle you disappear with it and I never see it again. Might be able to find you a bike."
Thanks Chief."
"Your brother was by and convinced me to set up a tent." He pointed at one that was set off from the others "I'll be going now." He winked and left me with Night.
"Hey."
She looked up at me "Yeah?"
"Come here."
She started moving towards me smiling and I grabbed her and threw her over my shoulder and headed for the tent. She was laughing and beating on me and in the background I could hear more laughter and cheers. I dropped her gently inside the tent and by the time I had the door zipped up she was almost out of her armor. Life was good again.
American Apocalypse IV - Chapter 18c - by Nova
I suppose I should have felt awkward standing there in front of the three of them. I didn't because they were my real family. I never had a family, well one that not insane or high, but now that I did I didn't see any point in pretending things weren't what they were which, to me at least, was all fixed up. Carol had her kid. Max was Max. Night was Night. Life was good.
"Hey Max. What's up Carol?"
Max grinned, put his hand out, and as soon as we made contact he pulled me in and gave me a bro hug.
When we both stepped back he looked me up and down, and smiled again, this time it was tinged with sadness? Irony? How fucked up life can be? And told me "I would have gone." He didn't add or say anything else. We both knew what he was leaving unsaid.
"Yeah but it needed to be done right." Then I laughed.
After a second he started laughing too and told me. "Yeah. Somehow the word that comes to mind is expendable."
Yep. Everything was back to normal as far as I was concerned.
Carol had stood up and wasted no time getting to the point "G. I'm sorry." She paused and looked directly at us and said "No. I'm not. I did what I had to do and I would do it again." She said this defiantly but then her tone softened and she focused on Night "You understood don't you?" The plea for mercy and understanding was raw an apparent. I tried not to respond to it and instead I looked away. I had too. It may not have been what I should have done but I was afraid to have Night see my eyes right then. It was only for a beat, time enough to shut some doors in the head, then I looked at Night.
She wasn't looking at me. She was staring directly into Carols eyes. She gave her a brief nod, then told her in a voice that was as flat and toneless as a machine. It was her "I'm not fucking around voice" and it got a smart persons attention right away. "I don't like you. I never will. Stay away from me. Push it again and I will kill you and go into exile -- alone if I have to."
She unlocked her arm from around my waist, spun, and walked away. I looked at Carol and told her quietly "She means it."
"I know." Her voice was incredibly sad.
I looked at Zane and told him "See you around" and turned to follow Night. She wasn't moving fast and I stretched my pace to catch up. We had covered twenty paces when I heard Max "Night. You don't mind if me and G take a walk do you?"
She shook her head "No" and pulled away without looking at him. I knew why. She didn't want him to see her tears. Life was not as good as I had originally thought and as usual I was feeling clueless on what to do when it came to crying women and relationships in general.
It was a bit of a relief to fall in with Max. We walked silently and headed off towards the perimeter and began tracing it with slower measured paces.
"So what's up Max?"
He didn't laugh. I would have. Instead we walked for a bit more then he began with "First off I didn't know you then, let alone about you and your ... thing for her when we got together."
"Yeah. I know."
"I know you know. I just felt like I had to say that G."
Now it was my turn to be silent. A lot of things went through my head. None of them particularly uplifting or what I wanted to deal with so I just locked them down and told him "Thanks."
"I'm going to assume you're up to speed and know I'm sleeping with Freya." He quickly added "She isn't a kid anymore G."
"I know." I also knew this came under the same category as what he told me about Carol. The "I had to say it" category.
"It's all about survival. Our survival. "Our" meaning everyone you see" He had stopped walking and was looking at the Horde going about life. "What do you see G?
I knew this wasn't a rhetorical question. Max didn't do rhetorical. I also has some inkling about what the correct answer was to this but I didn't do correct answers with Max. I told him my truth. I shrugged and told him "Outside of us," us meaning my family, "I see cattle. A herd that might be useful."
" I know. I do sometimes too but I can't let that be me. I see people. I see casualties. I see possibilities. I see a future. I can't live by just killing G. I need to make something worthwhile. I may have to kill a lot of people to get it but when I do it will be worth it. This I promise you."
He let it end there. We both watched our people do whatever for a little bit. I broke the silence asking him "What about Carol?"
"Yeah....she is good at organizing. She'll find a place and I will make sure her and Zane are taken care of. What was then is long over. She'll find someone, probably sooner than later."
"Okay. What was the deal with Freya earlier?"
Max shook his head. "She loves ceremony. It was going to a tribal presentation and recognition of your success. At least that's what she told me."
That last part didn't get past me. "You don't trust her?'
"I don't trust anyone who has an agenda and she most definitely does. There is some shit going on that is bigger than us G. I don't have a total handle on it and I think we are just a piece on the board but I tell you what..." He paused, grinned "We are aren't getting fucked like my people did last time around." He reached out and smacked my arm telling me "Lets go find our women. I think we are both are going to have to do some sweet talking. Oh yeah. Tell Night her troop movement didn't get past me." I was still processing the last thing he said but I didn't get it. I stored it away to tell Night and followed him back into the heart of the camp. Now I had to find out where Night was because that was going to be where I was if it had any privacy for the next few hours at least.
"Hey Max. What's up Carol?"
Max grinned, put his hand out, and as soon as we made contact he pulled me in and gave me a bro hug.
When we both stepped back he looked me up and down, and smiled again, this time it was tinged with sadness? Irony? How fucked up life can be? And told me "I would have gone." He didn't add or say anything else. We both knew what he was leaving unsaid.
"Yeah but it needed to be done right." Then I laughed.
After a second he started laughing too and told me. "Yeah. Somehow the word that comes to mind is expendable."
Yep. Everything was back to normal as far as I was concerned.
Carol had stood up and wasted no time getting to the point "G. I'm sorry." She paused and looked directly at us and said "No. I'm not. I did what I had to do and I would do it again." She said this defiantly but then her tone softened and she focused on Night "You understood don't you?" The plea for mercy and understanding was raw an apparent. I tried not to respond to it and instead I looked away. I had too. It may not have been what I should have done but I was afraid to have Night see my eyes right then. It was only for a beat, time enough to shut some doors in the head, then I looked at Night.
She wasn't looking at me. She was staring directly into Carols eyes. She gave her a brief nod, then told her in a voice that was as flat and toneless as a machine. It was her "I'm not fucking around voice" and it got a smart persons attention right away. "I don't like you. I never will. Stay away from me. Push it again and I will kill you and go into exile -- alone if I have to."
She unlocked her arm from around my waist, spun, and walked away. I looked at Carol and told her quietly "She means it."
"I know." Her voice was incredibly sad.
I looked at Zane and told him "See you around" and turned to follow Night. She wasn't moving fast and I stretched my pace to catch up. We had covered twenty paces when I heard Max "Night. You don't mind if me and G take a walk do you?"
She shook her head "No" and pulled away without looking at him. I knew why. She didn't want him to see her tears. Life was not as good as I had originally thought and as usual I was feeling clueless on what to do when it came to crying women and relationships in general.
It was a bit of a relief to fall in with Max. We walked silently and headed off towards the perimeter and began tracing it with slower measured paces.
"So what's up Max?"
He didn't laugh. I would have. Instead we walked for a bit more then he began with "First off I didn't know you then, let alone about you and your ... thing for her when we got together."
"Yeah. I know."
"I know you know. I just felt like I had to say that G."
Now it was my turn to be silent. A lot of things went through my head. None of them particularly uplifting or what I wanted to deal with so I just locked them down and told him "Thanks."
"I'm going to assume you're up to speed and know I'm sleeping with Freya." He quickly added "She isn't a kid anymore G."
"I know." I also knew this came under the same category as what he told me about Carol. The "I had to say it" category.
"It's all about survival. Our survival. "Our" meaning everyone you see" He had stopped walking and was looking at the Horde going about life. "What do you see G?
I knew this wasn't a rhetorical question. Max didn't do rhetorical. I also has some inkling about what the correct answer was to this but I didn't do correct answers with Max. I told him my truth. I shrugged and told him "Outside of us," us meaning my family, "I see cattle. A herd that might be useful."
" I know. I do sometimes too but I can't let that be me. I see people. I see casualties. I see possibilities. I see a future. I can't live by just killing G. I need to make something worthwhile. I may have to kill a lot of people to get it but when I do it will be worth it. This I promise you."
He let it end there. We both watched our people do whatever for a little bit. I broke the silence asking him "What about Carol?"
"Yeah....she is good at organizing. She'll find a place and I will make sure her and Zane are taken care of. What was then is long over. She'll find someone, probably sooner than later."
"Okay. What was the deal with Freya earlier?"
Max shook his head. "She loves ceremony. It was going to a tribal presentation and recognition of your success. At least that's what she told me."
That last part didn't get past me. "You don't trust her?'
"I don't trust anyone who has an agenda and she most definitely does. There is some shit going on that is bigger than us G. I don't have a total handle on it and I think we are just a piece on the board but I tell you what..." He paused, grinned "We are aren't getting fucked like my people did last time around." He reached out and smacked my arm telling me "Lets go find our women. I think we are both are going to have to do some sweet talking. Oh yeah. Tell Night her troop movement didn't get past me." I was still processing the last thing he said but I didn't get it. I stored it away to tell Night and followed him back into the heart of the camp. Now I had to find out where Night was because that was going to be where I was if it had any privacy for the next few hours at least.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
American Apocalypse IV - Chapter 18b - by Nova
I looked at our leadership cadre. Ninja was looking out of the corner of his eye at Max who was standing there as stone faced as Freya. I don't know what through his head, he didn't even look at Freya, he just started walking towards Carol and Zane. As soon as Ninja saw that he broke away and headed towards me and Night. That was the signal for the crowd. They broke ranks and like a wave headed towards us. Most of them, especially the women, headed towards Carol but a sizable bunch came to us.
It was one of the more bizarre experiences of my life. I hated it, I loved it, and I didn't let go of Night. It was like I had thrown the winning touchdown or won the lottery. Everyone wanted a piece of me. My face went rigid with what I hoped was a grin and I began repeating the same phrases I had seen on television a million years ago.
"I was glad to do it."
"He's a great kid."
"Oh, there were a few rough patches but we made it."
"Glad to be back."
"Damn. You're uglier then when I left."
Night was spooling her responses out just like I was.
"Oh yes! I am so glad he's back.
"I never doubted it.
"He would do the same for you I know."
I only got about thirty seconds with Ninja before he stepped away. It was time enough for him to say "What took you so long?" Punch me in the arm and grin.
I did have time to see Freya had disappeared and Max standing next to Carol and looking as uncomfortable as I felt. At least for him.
Eventually we were left alone enough that I could blow off the few who didn't get the message by telling them "Don't you have work to do?" They looked like I had slapped them with a fish but they left which is all I wanted. I felt Night shaking and looked down at her. It took me a couple of beats to realize she was shaking from holding in her laughter.
"Jesus G. I love you."
Then using the arm she had wrapped around me she pushed me in the direction of Max. I whispered to Night "This is going to be interesting." Night didn't say anything but Max heard me. He looked over at us, flashed a quick grin, and began telling his people it was time to go. He was a little more diplomatic but not much.
It was one of the more bizarre experiences of my life. I hated it, I loved it, and I didn't let go of Night. It was like I had thrown the winning touchdown or won the lottery. Everyone wanted a piece of me. My face went rigid with what I hoped was a grin and I began repeating the same phrases I had seen on television a million years ago.
"I was glad to do it."
"He's a great kid."
"Oh, there were a few rough patches but we made it."
"Glad to be back."
"Damn. You're uglier then when I left."
Night was spooling her responses out just like I was.
"Oh yes! I am so glad he's back.
"I never doubted it.
"He would do the same for you I know."
I only got about thirty seconds with Ninja before he stepped away. It was time enough for him to say "What took you so long?" Punch me in the arm and grin.
I did have time to see Freya had disappeared and Max standing next to Carol and looking as uncomfortable as I felt. At least for him.
Eventually we were left alone enough that I could blow off the few who didn't get the message by telling them "Don't you have work to do?" They looked like I had slapped them with a fish but they left which is all I wanted. I felt Night shaking and looked down at her. It took me a couple of beats to realize she was shaking from holding in her laughter.
"Jesus G. I love you."
Then using the arm she had wrapped around me she pushed me in the direction of Max. I whispered to Night "This is going to be interesting." Night didn't say anything but Max heard me. He looked over at us, flashed a quick grin, and began telling his people it was time to go. He was a little more diplomatic but not much.
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