I had a good life once. Now, I don't know what I have. When things started going bad it didn't seem like a big deal at the time. You know, just another day in the life kind of thing. Hell, I was mature enough to know that you can't expect roses and unicorn shitting skittles all the time. You roll with the problem, come up with a solution, and everything works out. Except sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it just get worser and worser until you want to cry which is wrong because men don't cry. I never did. At least so people could see. I think.
I decided to write this because, well, I think, hell, I know, I am losing it. It is not a happy maker feeling. So I am writing this in hopes it finds its way to my daughter so she will know my side of the story and maybe not hate me anymore. Of all the pain I have felt since everything fell apart hearing her say "I hate you!" was the absolute worse. I thought we would have time to talk, you know, work it out, after her outburst and the tears. We never did. If you come away with anything from reading this then know this: You never have time for do overs. It's now or never baby and the river stops for no one.
It all starts somewhere. I try to focus on THE DAY when it all went wrong. I can't make up my mind. Sometimes I think I figured it out and I am happy. The next day I can't remember or I think "How could I be so stupid! That wasn't THE DAY! You wouldn't believe how many times I have started this story and then tore the sheets of paper out of my notebook and smashed them on the floor. I got thrown out of Starbucks the last time. The lady was nice about it but she was serious about me having to go. I knew this because everyone was looking at me with "Go!" in their eyes. That didn't bother me as much as the little girl who had "FEAR" in hers. That made me sad and ashamed. I am working on not making bad noises now and I think I am doing good. You would be proud of your dad.
So I decided to start when I was still someone and me and your Mom were together. Oh, I think you were five when we made the first mistake. We decided to buy a house. We already had a house. A nice house. You liked it. I liked it. Your Mom? Not so much. It was small. The school district was not the best. We had been looking for awhile and prices had kept going up and up. Your Mom's best friend, Shasta, was a real estate agent then. and she convinced your Mom that it was "buy now or be priced out forever!" To be fair it wasn't hard to convince me that she was right. It certainly seemed that way at the time.
Damn. You know me man?
ReplyDeleteGo, big guy! Good to see ya back at it.
ReplyDeleteYou roll with the problem, come up with a solution, and everything works out.
ReplyDeleteI know a lot of people who think everything works out. Implicit in that thought is that everything will work out for the better. For example, you lose your job. It may be painful, but everything will work out. You'll find a job that's as good or better. This of course is magical thinking. We had a long run of post-WWII prosperity. It was a time when it was easy to believe that things always work out for the better. I have a personal theory that it was this magical thinking that led the finance industry to take what are now obviously foolish risks. They believed that everything would work out. Their mindset was that if those risky bets paid off, they would pay off big. If not...well, everything works out... This mindset is somewhat justified when your nation is riding a wave of prosperity. Prosperity forgives a multitude of sins. But, the downside of that wave is one vindictive and unforgiving bitch. Things still work out, somehow, but you may well find yourself suffering some nasty consequences, often through no fault of your own. And, yes, I understand, the narrator in the story above, knows all about consequences.
Nova,
ReplyDeleteBack in the saddle. Good start, how many millions of people does this apply to....
Piper
Yeah. This is not going to be a Gardener story. Instead I want to try going in a different direction with it.
ReplyDeleteYeah. Far too many people I think
Sadly, magical thinking didn't just appear; it has been encouraged. Ehrenreich's book, "Bright-sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America" was a fascinating read.
ReplyDeleteSounds like an interesting new direction, nova.
I'm enjoying it already. Thanks
ReplyDelete