I found it just in time. I was starting to get discouraged. All the goodness of the day was evaporating. One of the ghosts was knocking hard on the door in my head. I could hear her and I didn't want to let her in. She always got in anyways. Sometimes I would press my hands to my head to keep the door shut. She would knock on it to get my attention. It sounded like a woodpecker and it made my head hurt. The knocking would stop and I would hear her voice, I knew it so well. She would tell me "You're a fuckup. Don't kid yourself. You're a fuckup. It's your fault. It's always your fault." I would yell at her "Go away Mom!" Sometimes she wouldn't leave and I would start crying. She was so mean. I must be bad. Mom's always love their boys. She said so. It must be me. She is right. I am bad and a fuckup.
She was going to get through the door soon. I was going to have to hurry up and get back. Find somebody with something to drink. If I drank enough then it didn't bother me so much. Sometimes to get the money I would have to be a bad boy. That wasn't so bad most times except when they hurt me. Even then it was okay because I was a fuck up and deserved it. As long as I knew I could get free I was okay. No matter how bad I felt I never let them tie me up. Then I could get crushed. Crushed by their love. Crushed by monsters. Crushed by their oily snakeyness in me.
That's when I saw it. A midget metal house. Jeebus I hoped this one didn't have spiders. I didn't like spiders and the last one had a lot of them. I just gritted my teeth and looked anyway. Heroes need hearts and I had to find one. If I had to deal with spiders then I would. When I got out of the last metal house without finding anything I felt like spiders were on me. Crawling up and down. Up and down. So I rolled in the grass. That was fun. I felt like a big dog until that made me itch too. I had grass stains on my clothes. It made for a good smell. A summer smell.
This little house was going to have to be a quick search. The door was squeaking and pecking. I had to go back. I just stuck my head in and there it was! Just like someone had left it for me! A trowel! It wasn't alone either. It had friends. A claw looking thing and tiny little rake were next to it. Standing up nice and tall next to them was a shovel. It was a family! I said "Sorry" to them, then I reached in, grabbed the trowel and ran. I don't know why. I just did.